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What can I do? How can I help? What do you need?
These were questions we received a lot as we started to tell people about the cancer diagnosis. We didn’t know how to answer. I’ve never had cancer or had any major medical issue, so I didn’t even know what to ask for or what would be needed.
Not only did I pay attention to the specific offers of help, but I wrote them down in a Google sheet, because I needed them to be in one accessible place. I took note if a friend was off on Mondays, worked half days on Fridays, or had flexible afternoon childcare. While I wasn’t sure how or when I’d use the info, I knew it would be important.
Accepting help can sometimes be awkward. Okay, maybe not for everyone, but it was for us. I’ve been on the giving end, and it feels good to help. But it takes two to give – one to give and one to receive. Accepting offers of help can seem bewildering when you don’t even know what you need and you don’t know how long you’ll need support.
When people made specific offers, I paid attention. These offers often came from people who had experienced cancer and those insightful enough to know what to offer.
I can drive you to chemo.
Um, okay, am I going to be too sick to drive myself?
I will organize meal delivery to your home.
That sounds great, but I don’t know when we’ll need them.
I can take over your carpool dates.
Yes, please. (This was some of the first help I agreed to.)
Let me know if you want to get together for breakfast/coffee/lunch/linner.
Okay.
Gift cards
Gifts cards from Panera, Noodles & Company, Subway, and Starbucks arrived in the mail from local and out of town friends, and I even learned that you can order gift cards from Amazon. (Of course you can, but I’d never had the need to know this.) The gift cards were so appreciated, because I was scurrying to tests and appointments. These tests sometimes required that I fast but couldn’t be done until the early afternoon or the appointments would run long, making me hangry. Having these gift cards allowed me to grab a meal or a snack .
Music
Until we the doctors came up with a plan, I asked people to help me make a playlist. I loved when friends made mixed tapes back in the day of their fave tunes that they thought I would enjoy. It was always a great way to be introduced to songs and artists my friends enjoyed.
So I created Jann Jamms. No, that’s not a typo, and yes, I love alliteration. The name is a total riff on Jock Jams, which a friend and I used to talk about at work. I created a Google Form asking friends to add songs they found inspiring and uplifting.
The information from the forms can be dumped into a Google Sheet. Once I’d had a number of entries, I used the Sheet to keep track of whether I had purchased and added the song to the playlist.
Childhood friends, college friends, mom friends, former work colleagues and family members contributed a range of songs and artists. I now have a playlist that includes John Denver, Beyonce, will.i.am, Brahms, and Rascal Flatts. The music has served as a backdrop to my reverie in the haze of this diagnosis and a powerful anthem of the love given to me by friends near and far.
Meals
Whether it’s just you or you have a family, you’re going to need to eat. Whether it’s a outreach ministry at church, a friend, or a relative, having someone coordinate meals can be so very helpful.
Signup Genius
Meal train
Send them a meal
Drivers
If chemo is part of the your treatment, then having drivers who can take you to and from chemo will be helpful. Some of the pre-medications for chemo can make you sleepy or you might just be beat if you are able to drive yourself.
You can set this up in Signup Genius or in a Google Sheet.
Go ahead, accept the help however it is offered. And if you’re feeling funny or awkward about accepting the help, accept it anyway. Once you’re out of the woods, be sure to be first in line to help when someone you know has a baby, medical situation, or needs a hand.
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